I posted this faux-translation of Mitch Bainwol's letter to U.S. Senators yesterday in Pho. Ernest Miller picked it up for his blog; it has spread around the blogosphere a bit, and a few people have taken me to task for not posting it here. Glad to share it. Read the original letter from the RIAA's chief to U.S. Senators, encouraging them to pass the Induce Act. Here is my interpretation—

Dear Senator,

Please pass S. 2560, and quickly. Our sales have slipped painfully. I wish I could draw a tight, scientific connection between sagging CD product and P2P file-sharing, but I cannot. So, in this letter I'll cite "common sense" a lot. I'll also state speculation as fact, like this: "It is the relatively new online piracy that has had a truly devastating impact in a short amount of time." Doesn't that go down easily? Most journalists, who are trained to ask questions and stuff, publish unfounded statements as fast as I can utter them, so I'm counting on you for the same level of gullibility.

It's common sense that we can't compete with free. Please don't remember I said that later tonight, when you're watching a premium cable channel. And if you happen to be drinking bottled water right now, just forget that I brought it up.

P2P is rampant. Later I'll throw around some study results funded by invested industry groups, to prove that I've done some homework, but the important point is that most of your constituents probably love file-sharing. But they are not the villains! Even though we'll sue them if we can, one by one. Damn, this isn't coming out right… listen, trust me, everyone will be happier if we can wipe file-sharing off the face of the earth. Would you do this for us? We hate P2P companies, whether they hurt us or help us. Thinking is hard! And reinventing takes too much work! Don't make us do it, Senator, I beg you.

You might have heard a bunch of bull about how S. 2560 is worded too broadly, and some hoopla about stifled innovation, and a lot of yadda-yadda about technology companies being sued. Please. I don't need to tell *you* who's paying dues and who isn't! None of our friends will get burned by this, and if they do, well hell, isn't "technology" the real problem anyway?

In closing, Senator, I'd like to recycle the tired and thoroughly debunked concept that file-sharing is identical to shoplifting. By so doing, I have utterly discredited myself, and rendered this communication a waste of your time. If you'd like to talk, I'll be in the bathroom sobbing.

Cheers,

Mitchy